The Depression Chronicles, Part 3

by Evan Wicker

Earlier this past year I had yet another mental health crisis, what they used to call a “nervous breakdown”. These are times in my life where my depression is so severe that it begins to affect my ability to function, to do normal everyday things. I have been in this particular slump season enough to know its signs. I needed to get the right help before it was too late, and thank God, I did. In many ways, it was the impetus to begin writing. I wanted to share my story to encourage others who may be going through their own despairing times, whether from mental health issues or any kind of suffering, really. As a former pastor, I want to give a theological perspective on not just depression, but on what it means to live as a Christian through the daily sufferings of life. 

However, I always know there is a risk when someone shares their story honestly. I have some of my own fear and trepidation when sharing my own struggles. Whenever someone shares their personal experience as a Christian, there is a danger that it may be communicated in some way as prescriptive. What I mean is that in sharing my own story, it may somehow be erroneously communicated that I am prescribing the ways in which others should live, act, and respond. This is not what I hope to accomplish when I openly share my struggles with major depressive disorder (and my other mental disorders). I am not a mental health professional and do not live under any impression that I am an expert on depression. I only know it from my limited personal experience. My best advice for those going through mental health disorders or crisis is to reach out (today!) to a mental health professional. Everyone’s experiences in life are different, and everyone’s needs are different. Every human being is touched by pain, sickness, hurt, and sin (both our own and others). I know that what I experience is not unique, and many silently suffer through life. So, my hope and aim is to share my story so that others would simply be encouraged to share their own truthfully and without filters to finally find the ever elusive peace we all seek. 

One of the reasons I can share my story openly is I have learned that there is no shame at the cross. For too long we in the church have been hiding. We have been hiding from our own selves and from each other out of fear of judgement. This fear of judgment, I propose, is at the heart of our human angst as a fundamental driving motivation. 

Let me illustrate this for you with a personal example that most will understand. Let’s imagine a working husband who happens to find himself in a busy working season. Like most jobs, these seasons can be stressful, particularly for those who want to succeed. In those times of stress, he tends to try and be more disciplined with his time because he also has a desire to be an attentive and present husband. In these busy times of working late and sometimes weekends, balancing the conflicting desires becomes almost impossible. The desire to be more present for his wife can suddenly be sacrificed for the competing desire to excel in his career. How does he choose between the competing desires (not to mention his desire to lose weight, continue his education, improve his friendships, improve his health, and the myriad of other goals he finds for himself)? 

Conflicting desires is at the heart of our inner conflict. Yet, what is at the heart of these desires? Why do I want to be successful in my career? Why do I want to be a better husband? I could be overly spiritual and say that it is out of a desire to please God, which is certainly true. But why do I want to please God? I think at the heart of these desires is a desire to be tried and not found wanting. The Scriptures call this the “law written on the hearts”(Rom. 2:15), a universal indwelling principle of right and wrong. Put another way, it is an ideal that lives inside of us, a universal “ought”. This universal law is the source of our fears. Paul Zahl in his groundbreaking work Who Will Deliver Us? states it this way: 

        “I am suggesting that the fear beneath all fears, which in turn creates the stress, depression and anger of everyday life and human history, is fear of ultimate judgment. This is to say, the fear of ultimate condemnation, because fear of judgment implies condemnation. If we were confident of acquittal, judgment would not possess the sting it does. Judgment for us entails condemnation. And condemnation spells a loss of status and position that in turn connotes a radical diminishing of the self, to the point of nonbeing.”

This desire to be found “enough” in the sight of God and others is an integral part of our souls as created by God. He instilled in us his Law, his ideal. Yet, we find ourselves in the daily existence of a broken world, falling short of the ideal. Our inability to reconcile the “oughts” and “shoulds” of life is the source of our angst. We fear that we will never measure up to the internal or external standard, whether it be God’s or someone else’s. God’s Law is holy, but the principle of law at work in our hearts can be downright nefarious. Because of sin it is an arbitrary principle at work in all of our psyches, always accusing, telling you you’re not pretty enough, successful enough, likable enough, smart enough, rich enough, or…good enough.

This fear of judgment drives us into hiding. When we feel we don’t measure up to God’s or others’ standards, many of us begin to lie to ourselves and maybe even to others. We hide away our failures and shortcomings to protect that ever-elusive identity we create for ourselves. We are very good at this in the church, putting on our Sunday masks and pretending everything is fine. But, we could not find a more different example in the New Testament. 

Paul says something in 1 Timothy 1:15 that is so liberating for those of us who have hid out of fear. He says this to his protege Timothy, “This is a trustworthy saying and worthy of full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the foremost". In other translations, Paul calls himself the “chief of sinners”. He is claiming to be the worst of us! How can Paul freely admit this? Isn’t he ashamed? What about his reputation? Doesn’t he care what they think?

Paul’s lack of shame exemplifies in this one statement what it means to move from fear to love, from hiding to unashamed. Paul can freely admit the depths of his sinfulness because he has found freedom from its judgment, and thereby, its condemnation. How do I know this? Paul himself explains the rescue for those who belong to Jesus, that “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Rom. 8:1).”  The only relief from the unrelenting ideals daily accusing and informing us is the cross of Christ. All of our failures and shortcomings, the debt that stood against us, has been “nailed to the cross” (Col. 2:14). The only cure to our angst and suffering is not to run from the ideal, or change it, or appease it. Rather, it is to refuse to play its game. We can cease striving and know that He is God and He is love. He has already taken all of your guilt, shame, and regrets and put them to death on the cross. He has also given you his own goodness, so that in him alone you are finally “enough”. 

Now, I think, I can finally understand what Christ meant when he said, “Come to me and find rest for your souls.” You can take all of your fears, worries, anxieties, despair, hurt, pain, grief, and regret and lay it at his feet for its final resting place. You can really rest—truly! Join me and let’s finally take off our masks that enslave us that we may find freedom. If we would take off our masks for each other, then we would truly see the Holy Spirit work! He invites you gently and without expectation to find your rest in Him today.