Love Yourself?

by Evan Wicker

“I’m an idiot,” I used to say. “You’re so terrible. You suck!”, I’d say to myself as I dropped my phone for the umpteenth time. These can be common refrains in the self-talk of the mentally-ill, or anyone, really, going through a difficult season. Have you ever found yourself treating your own self with contempt? Have you ever suddenly found yourself being unkind in your self-talk? I know I do, particularly when my reputation or sense of identities are challenged. The inner life during these times or moments (or minutes!) can be quite harsh, to say the least. Left unchecked, they lead to a dark place spiritually and internally–believe me.

However, I have always wrestled with this idea: what do we say to ourselves instead? If you’re from a particular Christian background (typically conservative/Bible-believing), you might scoff at the idea that we should love ourselves instead. Why? I think it is because loving ourselves seems to imply that we love our faults and sins as well. However, Jesus made it clear to us that the second greatest commandment is to “Love others as you love yourselves (Mt. 22:39).” While this is not a command to love ourselves, it is assumed, however.

Loving yourself and being kind to yourself does not mean you love or excuse your sins. When we lie, steal, cheat, gossip, indulge or live in other selfish ways, we know those things are not OK. We know that it grieves the Spirit of God when we live, think, and act contrary to His will  (EPh. 4:30). [sidenote: If you can justify your sins to yourself, then do me a favor and read the Sermon on the Mount and get back to me!]  So then, where does that leave those of us struggling with self-hatred and loathing? 

At the heart of the tension of self-love and self-hate is its focus. When we sin, we are living in a way that is not in our Father’s intention. We are no longer living as those who’ve been bestowed worth. Indeed, we are in actuality his image-bearers, the jewel of his creation, made like He is (Gen. 1:27). You and I are literally His children! He wants us to live up to that higher calling, what psychologists call the “id”, rather than the “ego”. The ego exists in the reality of the lower levels of our personalities, our appetites. In fact, the Scriptures speak of our ego-problem: “Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things (Phil. 3:19).” It's the self that is intent on fighting for its place, hungry for validation and ever-striving, consumed with itself and its own interests. But we know from Scripture and psychology that for a true spiritual awakening to occur, the “id” must overcome the reality of the ego. The “id” is your true heart, your true self that is so delighted in and beloved by God. It is the you that God knit together in your mother’s womb, the self that is perfectly and wonderfully made (Ps. 139:13-14). 

When we are commanded to love others as we have been loved, what do you think that means? How can it mean anything other than sharing love as you’ve experienced it? And how can you share that love if you hate yourself and treat yourself harshly? Even now, as I write, the inner voice speaks, saying, “Who cares what you have to say, Evan? You’re such a…” and you can guess the rest. Well, in those moments of intense self-deprecation, I cease to be gentle. I cease to be kind in myself and my outlook of the world. I cease thinking of others; I begin to think only of myself and my needs. In those moments, if you can believe it, I grieve the Spirit who lives in me, our God who is gentle, patient, kind and gracious. 

As someone who has greatly struggled with mental illness, self-hatred and self-loathing was the norm. When I was told that God hated sin and certain sins, I would many times turn it inward towards my own self. Thus in my sickness, I concluded, God must hate me. Nothing could be further from the truth, but when you are going through emotional problems, the ego tends to put us in “survival mode”, corrupting our ability to see outside of our immediate problems. Thus, we begin our restless struggle once again and lose the id of spiritual awakening. 

The hatred towards myself, and consequently towards others, grieves God because it is contrary to His nature. The heart of God is goodness and righteousness, “God is love (1 Jn 4:8)”. And love is the mark of the true self! Don’t mistake, the goal is not self-esteem, but rather self-acceptance. Acceptance of our own self as God made you is at the heart of our real-world experience of the Gospel. The Apostle John, known as the Beloved Disciple, knew well of this truth. He spoke of it ad nauseum in his letters, I think, because we are so prone to forget the simple truth: Jesus loves you! He actually longs for you. Do you believe that? Do you hear him in the quiet whisper of stillness? In this gentleness and slowness we find the Spirit whispering, “I love you.” Yes, you. The true you, the one He died for personally to save and bring you home. 

Now, thank God, I can say to myself, “No, dear child, you did idiotic things, but you’re not an idiot. You really don’t suck!” You may have hurt others in your deepest, darkest moments, but that did not and does not define you. You may have done unthinkable things to yourself, but it’s all OK now. You really can love, laugh, play, dance, and sing (oh, how I missed singing my lungs out!) when you finally accept who God made you to be. Self-acceptance is not some self-esteem nonsense. It may be at the heart of the psychological experience of the Gospel. The Spirit is calling gently, and inviting you to remember who you are. 

Ps 42:5-8

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;
    therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
    the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
    in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
    have swept over me.

By day the Lord directs his love,
    at night his song is with me—
    a prayer to the God of my life.